A tribute to my husband

Yesterday's Vitamin C infusion was difficult as I suffered yet another prick in the arm - I am beginning to feel like a human pincushion. Horrible to be around cancer patients and the clinic is right next to where my Dad's funeral was held so brings back awful memories. Usually I get to go to another room but the chairs were all taken so I had to go to the room facing the church.
Last night was awful with a terrible night's "sleep" - maybe 1-2 hours and up half the night urinating and drinking coping with a dry mouth.
Very weak in the morning and beside myself. I managed a walk with my husband in the sunshine - only reminded me of how I bounced around last year pushing Noah in his stroller - looking at all the birds and cats and teaching him about shadows ... oh to be back there again with the knowledge I have now. The continued regret of not knowing that life was challenging then but so sweet in comparison to the last 8 months of living in Hades.
I went for a blood test today to check electrolytes and other things and cried there as I looked at the photo of small children on the wall and thought of my son and my longing to be his Mum for a long, long time.
We walked along to a prayer room and a sweet man prayed with me and also told me the horrors his daughter encountered on prescription drugs.
When support was so hard to find last year and I felt so ready to have a day out with just my husband, I thought about how I wished I'd gone to more places like that and how they and other support groups could have found us babysitters and supplied meals when my husband was so tired of cooking. It would have perhaps given us a chance to get our "heads straight" and some structures in place to make life less demanding. No woman or man is an island but that's what we were.
God has got to have some massive miracles to pull me through this.
Yesterday I shared two poems for my son. Today I wish to write about my husband. He is truly the saintliest person I know. Over the last nearly 3 years he has collapsed a business on his own, has not worked and been my full-time caregiver. He has been to over 200 medical practitioners with me, nursed our son and me through many sleep-disturbed nights, cooked hundreds of meals, dismantled the garden to try to make it safer for Noah. He has walked with me when I had adrenaline so bad I could walk for four hours without tiring. He has listened to my ranting over and over. He dealt with all the house issues I spoke about in another blog. He had to sell cars, deal with burying pets. In 3 years he has only had about 36 hours off in total. He has never left my side at hospitals, A & E's, doctors, alternative practitioners etc. He has sorted all my supplements and meds and tried to make sense of all the differing opinions/info. He has had no social life or breaks and dedicated his days to caring for me and Noah and the myriad of problems we have faced. He has held my hand through the many sleepless nights - often even sleeping on the floor beside my bed or a cramped couch - sometimes we would re-locate around the house 4-5 times trying to find a place for me to sleep when insomnia was at its worst. He has driven miles to seek help. His own health issues have taken second place ... he wears a mouth guard at night because he has ground his teeth so badly from all the stress. He walks with a limp, has a twitching eye and body ticks, skin disorders, a bad back etc. All of this the result of prolonged stress beginning with the collapse of our business and then proceeding through to all of the tragedies his wife and son have been through and the demands placed on just one human being.
Aaron, I love you with all my heart - thank you for believing in me, encouraging me and never letting go. Your persistence and belief in my recovery and in the injustice of the medical world has given me time with you and our son that would otherwise have been lost. Last year in spite of all the odds I achieved driving, reading, walking, writing poetry, caring for our son - buying him clothes, walking to feed ducks, taking him to parks and playgroups, teaching him colours and the alphabet, cuddling him, laughing with him and admiring all his new skills and words. In spite of all the pain, those times were the happiest of my life and I owe it all to you. In fact I made such good progress you would often say then that I was better than you.

My husband is my hero ... he is handsome, brave, strong, sensitive, a gifted artist, funny, charismatic, cheeky, adventurous, determined, a hard-worker, forgiving, loving and intelligent. He is gifted with languages and can do well at just about anything he applies himself to - he is so practical and mechanically-minded.

Here is a poem I wrote for my husband which appeared on our wedding invite:
Blue eyes meet green
and journey into the ocean
Thoughts meet hearts
I smile at your smile
A sacred revelation
No longer afraid
I have found my home.

I love you sweetheart ... people will learn more about your superhuman sacrifices and challenges and may God richly bless you with more support, comfort, rest and a long time as a much-loved Dad and husband. I hope one day if it's God's will we will start a foundation to help others ... it will be called "Lily-Boh" after the daughter we hoped to have had.