I have just returned from an Intravenous Vitamin C / Magnesium injection in a bid to help fight the harmful poisoning of the prescription drugs I have been on and to alleviate some of the severe symptoms.
Anyway, it is a hard day today as I keep returning to thoughts of last year when things were better and some of my days were filled with creative ideas, some laughter and the joys of being a Mum involved with her son's activities. Now all I do is get stuck in a thought quagmire of what supplements to take, when to take them and a question of "How the hell am I going to get through this, this time?"
However last year was certainly not all rosy .... it was filled with huge challenges too. We had a leaky home, a rat, cockroach, ant and spider invasion. All of the hinges in our house had to be replaced. Our fence collapsed. We had a fight with the Council to get a tree cut down. Our gutters needed repairing. The tiling on our deck lifted. Electrical appliances broke down repeatedly. One trip away ended up with a misplaced handbag, a Tsunami warning, a vomiting child and a house alarm that wouldn't stop. In another trip we had an earthquake at 2am - not good for someone suffering from anxiety and a sleep disorder. Our son was repeatedly ill with colds and flus to the point of requiring all-night care with a home-nurse. He developed a chronic cough which my husband and I caught. Our rabbit was attacked by a rat and our dog required major surgery. My husband had bowel problems, requiring a colonoscopy. We had spent so much money on my health problems at one point we went to a shopping Mall and melted our gold and silver to get enough money for groceries. How I thought I could keep to a fairly strict Valium detox plan is now beyond me. Throughout this time we continued to keep Noah at home trying to get his two naps in per day whilst working around unreliable and noisy tradespeople who were here all the time. We handled the above largely on our own - sometimes with little to no sleep at nights. I wish I had strategised more on how we could have enlisted more help - from emergency services or Church groups - then my husband and I wouldn't have become so worn out and I would have perhaps had more time to relax and think more carefully about how to do my detox off drugs. It was just so hard to think clearly when contending with all the above and I probably clung to the detox as a way of controlling things when everything else seemed quite chaotic.
In spite of the above description, 2010 was so much better than the previous year and I gained the ability to read, write, do some cooking, play with Noah and bath him, even go to some mother&child groups though I was often driven there. No one knew about my situation. I could go for walks on my own and take Noah for small walks too. I managed to go to the library and get him books and would do all sorts of play activities with him. I dreamt of another child although it seems illogical now given our health and financial status but at 38 I knew I didn't have much time left and so hastened my Valium detox which as you will learn later had massive side-effects. I am sure Noah would much prefer to have a Mum than a sibling and I have been on death's door many times now.
Here is a poem I wrote for Noah towards the end of last year when I was feeling a lot healthier and hopeful - although it still sounds rather bleak!
WON'T STOP
My son, my sun
Is two
Is so worth
Each labour day
And night's wrestlings
Traumas, pills and unwritable things
Will not stop me from seeing him grow
Tall like the trees he climbs
Each walk I dedicate to him
and his eager enquiries
Eyes darting like birds we watch at the window
He delights in water
A naked vision of untamed pleasure
Running through sprinklers
Swimming in the bath
At night I listen quietly outside his room
As he dialogues about the day
His early murmurings aren't hard to decipher
I understand each hungry word and marvel at his hungry mind
In the mornings he wakes
singing melodies that rise into my room
I don't know how I will rise from bed but
I do
No one will love him as I and my breath won't stop
Til he is old enough to remember me
at least
I thank God every day for the incredible gift of Noah ... I so much want to survive so he can hear my story and know how much I did to try to stay alive. Apart from my husband he is the best thing that has happened to me and you realise how everything else that you once thought was important means absolutely nothing. I just want to get my health back so I can enjoy being Noah's Mum and a better wife for my husband. I would love to join a really good Church that I feel part of and to sing in a choir one day when I am not so ill.
This is another poem I wrote for Noah when he was younger which I would sing when putting him to bed at night.
NOAH'S LULLABY
Goodnight, goodnight
my precious one sleep tight
May angels and Jesus watch
over you tonight
Goodnight, goodnight
It's time to go to sleep
Know that you are blessed from
your head to your feet
Goodnight, Goodnight
Leave your cares behind
Know that in the morning
there's wonders to find
Goodnight, goodnight
There's disappearing light
Grab on to your Arthur and
snuggle him tight
Goodnight, Goodnight,
My son you are our light
May angels and Jesus
Watch over you tonight
Many angels and Jesus watch over you for life.
Love you Noby, Mum xxx
Please continue to pray for me everyone!!!
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